She was suffering and in pain, so her death is surely God's gift to her, but not to those of us who knew and loved her.
I don't like it one bit! I admit I wish God could have miraculously healed her for us.
So here I am - in shock and conflicted. I'm simultaneously feeling robbed and totally ashamed of my selfish indignation. Oh how I want to feel more generous and selfless, but I'm not… at least, not yet. With God's help, I'm working to get there and I know I will be working on it for some time.
Like everyone who has suffered a loss, I find myself deep in a selfish and sloppy ordeal called grief. However, that word just doesn't cut it for me, so I choose to call this messy work I've entered into - letting go.
Letting go is….
- Admitting I am NOT joyful for her, at least not yet. I am going to be empty, then angry, then sad before I will experience joy for her new life in heaven.
- Hanging on to my old friend just a little longer by revisiting memories when she was healthy and full of life. The pictures, letters and journal entries will bring her back to this life, if only for a moment.
- Reaching out to others who knew her. Sharing in the sadness and loss helps.
- Being present at the memorial. Nothing I say or do for them will lessen her family's pain, but I know simply being there confirms she is loved and so are they.
- Giving myself time to get over my self-centered feelings of loss, but reminding myself the gravity of the family's loss is a boulder and mine is a pebble. Pray on their behalf. Act and speak accordingly.
At least, that's "letting go" for me.